dreamin

Ahhhhh! i always have these insane dreams and the urge to write them down but i never have the time seeing as how i wake up five minutes before i have to be somewhere. And in the event that i do have the time i am just lazy and assume i will remember the details, which i never do.

so anyyyy way. i was out late last night, and had a few drinks which i havent done in a while and for some reason, possibly the excess of the drinks, i had a headache while i was trying to sleep. This in combination with the constant competition with my dog for space on MY bed, i sadly did not get adequate sleep. I woke up at seven thirty for work and luckily got off at eleven. I ate some noodles and tried to dive into the Communist Manifesto, but sleep won me over. Thats what i get for laying in my bed. Any way, i believe this dream i had came from this other book i am reading called Brave New World, and it is excellent and i suggest everyone read it.

Any way, my dream was also very different that the book it put my own spin on things
and since it has been about an hour since i woke up things are already starting to blur so bear with me. This is more for me than you.

Soooo...im going to this camp experiment thing and i cant remember if i was forced to go or if i voluntarily went..i dont know but you entered through a gas station. Things go fast from there and i hate it there. They allow no ties to the outside world really...there is make up and hair supplies and jewelry but all of this stuff is promoted by skeletons. There are all these skeletons on these shelves wearing jewelry and makeup. The point was that even though we could have these things it made you ugly and people were not going to like you if you wore these material things, and you could possibly be punished for owning it.

Apparently we can wear the clothes we have because i was wearing a really cute outfit, and i only know this because i saw my reflection in the glass from a refrigerator section at the back of the "gas station". Boys and girls always had to be separated, and i stayed in a room with like three other girls, who i have never seen before in my life. But i was constantly telling them that they live in a prison and that the outside world is very fun and that they are missing out on a lot of things in life. while i found the idea to be completely unworldly very appealing i didnt think they needed to be punished and kept in such horrible and painful conditions. I was the only one in the whole place that would scream and protest against these horrible drills. We had to all line up and go through this processing room where all these scary people dressed in monks robes would burn you or whip you or cut you, to remind you that things of the world were bad. They would lead to certain death. And it sucked like i remember when it was my turn to go into the room i was clawing to get out. I was being sucked in. and in my mind i knew i was dreaming and i was trying to get myself to wake up so i didnt have to go through this room. but it didnt work because it sucked me in and i decided to do like stealth moves and roll and run through as fast as i could because it was completely dark other than candle flames and whip sounds. I remember i got burned and i was really pissed about it. but i escaped unharmed for the most part.
The room was trying to condition you to hate everything materialistic, and the more you went through it the more and more you became conditioned to live there and not protest them and do what they say all the time. The new people , me, had to go through like three times a week until we started to show progress, but it wasnt working on me at all. And every night this prick cop like figure would come around and he has this huge needle and syringe full of stuff that was supposed to make you sleep through the night and make you forget about life outside of the camp. The cop hated me because i fought him and avoided him all the time and so at night when he finally would catch up to me he would just stab me in the arm with this huge needle. That also hurt. and i would get really drowsy everytime he would do it and fall asleep. and i didnt like this because i felt like nightime was my only way to escape.
One night i was walking around outside, and where the gas pumps were supposed to be there were huge carousels, and instead of laughing pretty children riding the horses, there were these horrible putrid skeletons again. I think i was trying to find a pay phone because i had already been there so long and i was becoming desperate to get out, and thats when the prick found me outside. At any moment they can question you and tell you to empty your pockets to make sure everything is up to par with there standards so he approached me and grabbed my arm and demanded me to give him everything in my pockets. I had chapstick and coffee in my hand and he took that and he kept telling me that i knew what he was looking for and he knew i had it. And at that point im digging around in my pockets telling him i didnt have anything but i kept finding new things in my pocket. I found a watch and my favorite hot pink lipstick, and those things they put around your coffee cup at starbucks to help not burn your hands, and i then found a pen which i decided to drop to the ground and not tell him i had because for some reason i felt like it would piss him off. and at this point he had out that huge syringe again and i was begging and pleading with him not to dose me, and he was laughing and he was enjoying my struggle and he said are your pockets empty and i said yes but when i reached around to my other pocket there was more stuff in there, and thats when he stabbed me with the needle not once, but twice. AND IT HURT. so i took off running telling him he wasnt permitted to double does me and i was going to get him fired and he was going to pay for mistreating me, but then he started running after me and i passed out from the dose....and then i woke up.

like...it was sooooooooo extreme. i know it sounds like a bunch of gibberish right now but in my dream everything was so vivid and real and i swear i thought i was really there.




HAPPY HALLOWEEN! i love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love halloween!! even though i probably wont do anything tonight except stay in and clean my room, i just love halloween.

okay well i feel accomplished that i regurgitated that dream s o im going to go..probably eat candy that i dont need. bye!!

my dog

takes up the whole bed. and she makes me very sweaty.




Ummmmside note as usual..i am a HORRENDOUS SPELLER@!@KQWHD"qEnd"I'3 e"

and basically i appologize for the not so smooth flow of my bloggings.
i write it down as it comes out of my head therefore obviously things are a little cracked out at times.
the possibility of sounding more intelligent in the future ....perhaps i should draft my blogs pior to posting them publicly.

editing is a virtuous skill.

goodnight.

change

I dont know how to acuratley put into words the changes i have gone through in the past 8 years. Everything from my lifestyle to my goals to my beliefs have done a complete 180 and it is so so weird to look back in hindsight.
any way, this is not why i am blogging. Its late and ive been trying to do this for days, however i have been too tires..which i am tired now, so appologies for any glaring typos, or absolute nonsense.

of course the election is coming up. I respect America for what we are"supposed" to stand for. I may not agree with how we obtained our land or the current realities, however, i have to respect a place where i am not threatened by a tyrant dictator and things like that. therefore i will be participating in the elecetion process, and i think everyone should even though i know there are those who wont.
I respect the process of democracy. I do not however enjoy the attitude it brings out in this season.

Im not opposed to debate. I in fact think that debating is the best way to truly analyze your thoughts and make an educated decision that you find best fit for this country and her needs.

I do not think you get any where by criticizing someone for the beliefs they hold. I swear if I hear one more person talk an hour about how bad of a president George Bush was i might go crazy.

Being one of the obvioulsy many americans that voted for bush, both times, I am not stupid and a recognize him for the failure that he was. However, I VOTED FOR HIM. therefore i really have no room to complain about a desicion hatI as well as the majority of the country made. We shot ourselves in the foot. It happened, and he is on his way out. all the bitching in the world cant change whats happened. I suppose if you did not vote for him i can listen to your rants for a hot second, and i will whole heartedly agree with you and support you in your quest to vote in the 08 election.

But if you voted for Bush, then shut your pie hole.

With that being said.
I now will speak on Obama/Mccain....and whatever other person will be on the ballot and not win. I will not pass judgement on you for voting for a non partisan/green/libertarian...whatever the heck its called i cant think of the term at the moment, especially if you have supported them from the beginning. I have friends who have supported Ron Paul since before i even had my ears tuned into the presidential race. And for them I say...You go. You do your thing. You vote for your person because you are so compelled and have been right out of the gate.

My problem now with that is, because people cant decide between "the two evils" they are voting for the non dominant party candidate.
maybe in a perfect world one of those candidates would win. But clearly they wont. not in this election any way. It will be either obama or mccain. Picking someone who wont win just because you dont like the two major candidates...is not only a waste..its kind of a cop out. ( again..only if you have not been a long time supporter). You live in America. They both may very well suck but you need to choose between who sucks and who sucks more. Regardless of the ideals you want..Obama or Mccain will run this country the next four years, and you need to weigh the pros and cons, because i have a feeling you will wish you did.

I was reading a Note on facebook from a former classmate on facebook. It was entitled "why i vote republican"
of course this intrigued me, and even though i have no affiliation with this boy any more nor would i desire to, i read his note.

to sum it up, he basically declared that he votes republican for one reason and one reason only.
Taxes.
His family makes more than "250,000" in a year. therefore because the republican party gives them a benefit, and that helps his family, and his family is what he is most concerned about, he votes republican.

im not an idiot. i understand the concept. You dont want tax increases blahdyblah blah.
But i want to know if one of his families endeavors goes south and for some reason they are back into 40-50,000 dollars a year, would he then vote democrat because that would then benefit his family most?

it seemed highly ignorant, but i am not judging because im sure it is solid in his mind. But really. One issue? thats the only reason you vote republican? He clearly stated that he would always vote republican unless satan himself was the party nominee.

Shouldnt part of the voting process be looking for what benefits this country as a whole? What is best for everyone? Not just you and your cushioned bank account?

I just think this is why our country is so disgusting. ( and i am very much aware that i am100 percent at fault as well) Money controls us. material wealth. We have literally fucked everything up for the love of money and its gross. Im so incredibly happy that you have three cars, a nice house full of pretty things. You have a mom who doesnt have to work and she can do your laundry and fund your schooling with ease. That life must be nice and im sure you are so greatful. But when i look around and see that im in the minority. that people are going hungry IN AMERICA, when people cant get jobs, when people cant get medical help....i think that i can give uncle sam a little more of my money to help even out the burden.

i just wish he had another reason to vote republican. sigh..

I think that with obama as president, we will have another terrorist attack on american soil in the next four years...which will probably involve nukes...so that wont be fun...however if mccain is president the economy and health care will be so bad i will probably wish someone would nuke me.
so as of now..i think i will cross my fingers and hope we dont get bombed or attacked and enjoy life again, rather than watch things continue if not get worse than they are now.
ehhh. the dilema! not much longer will it plague me though. and not much longer will i have to listen to crazy people debate and not know what they are talking about.

The problem is no one wants to admit fault. They are both human, and they willboth screw up. People talk like obama has no flaws...uhhhh hello...have you watched the news lately..

any way. obama it is.

for now...



whatever.



Im also bothered slighty when people get bent out of shape with gay marriage and abortion and church and state.
I was raised Christian, and still would consider myself one. I am against abortion, I personally dont think i would do it since i myself am adopted, but how do i know i am not nor have i ever been pregnant and put into that situation. Wether it is legal or not, people will do it. Banning it will only revert back to the days when secret clinics existed or people did it with coat hangers. Look it up. it happened. It was extremely unsafe and there were several uneccesary deaths as a result. It also takes a right to choose away. And women faught for these things. if you dont want to kill your baby then dont.
I have the same sentiment for Gay marriage. I think love is love and if you dont like gays or dont want to be gay then dont be. The Bible is very unclear and can be interpretted several different ways. Full of contradictions on many things. This government is NOT a theocracy, nor should it be. Marriage...cannot be underminded more than it already has been by heterosexuals. The validity of marriage is shot to hell when the very officials who "oppose" gay marriage are having affairs, or molesting little boys. As with abortion, regardless as to what you believe, gay marriage is happening, and will continue to happen. If you dont like it dont support it, dont be apart of it, but for Gods sake get over it. God is love remember? As a Christian your job is to love God and love people. PERIOD. not enforce Gods "rules" that we may or may not be interpreting correctly, o n any one else.
i just feel like those two issues alone also sway peoples votes to the right, and i believe you will be sorely dissapointed because all of this will come to pass anyway. the government simply cant stop it.



I am flawed in that i read many books at one time.
Another book i have sunk my teeth into, and surprisingly i am enjoying quite thoroughly, is UTOPIA, by Sir Thomas More.
this book is what got my mind whirrling around America in the first place.

"You must strive to influence policy indirectly, handle the situation tactfully, and thus what you cannot turn to good, you may at least- to the extent of your powers-make less bad. For it is impossible to make all institutions good unless you make all men good, and that i dont expect to see for a long time to come."



".....as long as you have private property, and as long as cash money is the measure of all things, it is really not possible for a nation to be governed justly or happily. For justice cannot exist where all the best things in life are held by the worst citizens; nor can anyone be happy when property is limited to a few, since those few are always uneasy and the many are utterly wretched."


" the social evils i mentioned may be alleviated and there effects mitigated for awhile, but so long as private property remains, there is no hope at all of effecting a cure and restoring society to good health. While you try to cure one part , you aggravate the disease in other parts. Supressing one symptom causes another to break out, since you cannot give somehing to one man without taking it away from someone else."







i do not say any of this as an expert on any subject and feel free to correct me on any wrong impression or fact i have tunes into. just my thoughts as of late.

and another thing...

Im getting really really really REALLY tired of being told im naive and that I need to grow up.

Im perfectly aware that shit happens, because it happens to me. It happens to me all the time. I trust people i shouldnt. I believe people want to do the right thing by me because i want to do the right thing by them.

I know this isnt the case ninety five point six two nine seven five percent of the time.

I know people walk over me, I know people have maliscious intent, i know people will let me down, it is part of being human i guess although it is no excuse which is the point im trying to make.

Just because people are bad, does not mean we should not expect goodness. Especially if you yourself are good.

I try, and i fail miserably all the time, but i sincerely try to spread goodness. I want to be good to people, because life should be good and kind. The fact that life is not GOOD for alot of people has a lot to do with how you treat people and how they treat you.

Im not saying that this philosophy is bullet proof, because it has let me down many times. But i can sleep at night knowing that if im treated badly, it has nothing to do with me.

Just because you steal peoples valuables for drug money, does not mean you will do it to me.
It doesnt mean you wont. But when i talk to you im going to make the conscious choice to believe the good inside of you will resonate with the good inside of me and you will give myself and my belongings the respect they deserve.


Being naive would be me not recognizing the bad in the world, and believing that it is all rainbows and sunshine.
Being ....fill in the blank......everything i want to be in this world.....whatever you want to call me...is recognizing the bad in the world and not accepting it. Fighting it. Changing it.

The eye you see isn't an eye because you see it; it's an eye because it sees you.

Anyone who is interested should read welcome to the machine.

"You walk into a store. Or maybe it's a police station. Or a school. Sometimes you can't tell the difference. You know that there are cameras everywhere. You can see them. You know that there are no chips in your clothes. You have removed them, each and every one. You know that someday the world will once again be free of machines, and free of the machine culture that made them. But for now it isn't.
And you aim to do something about that.
You're not stupid. You know that there are many who still believe in the myth of the machine. You know that there are many who are more interested in power than life- yours or theirs. You know that they will kill to defend the machines that own them. You know that they will themselves die rather than break their identification with the machine. In fact the machine is already killing them. And you will not be caught by them. You are not stupid.
You do not take orders from any one. Sometimes you work by yourself, and sometimes you work with those you trust, your brothers and sisters in this struggle against the machine, for life. You are dismantling the machines, and the machine, in the ways you know best. You have taken them out of your heart, and glittering trinkets no longer hold you captive. You see the store, or maybe it's a police station, or a school, or a political organization, for the prison that it really is.
And when you are done with your work inside of this prison, dismantling whatever needs dismantling that you are best able to dismantle in the way that you are best able to dismantle it, you go back outside, into the sunshine or the dark of night, into the embrace of the real world.
You feel happy."
Derrick Jensen, Welcome to the Machine: Science, Surveillance, and the Culture of Control.

really.

ummmmm i was in the mood to blog, until blogger decided to be difficult. now im slightly over it.

power.

well well. its been an interesting weekend i suppose.

Saturday...OSU lost...and while im not like devastated about their poor performance....i guess somewhere deep down i have to admit that i was raised to care about the buckeyes. no matter how miserable i find ohio to be.

My dad got a new tv and even though our house is small and inconvenient to large gatherings, my dad insisted that my aunt and uncle and cousins come to our house ...even though their house is on the larger side of life and more than accomodating. whatever. So at three oclock my aunt uncle and cousin and boyfriend show up at our house. ( they are always welcome..they are a fun time and my aunt can cook..and well..i love food.) any way...basically...its not like my mom and dad and I are unkept people, but with my dad unable to really get around still and my mom..well..i have no idea..and me being a lazy college student...our house is usually in dissaray. soo. after being out until six am friday , i had to get up early saturday to help my mother clean the house. and by the time we were done they were here so i go ust about zero sleep.
1am rolls around..and sadly no one is drunk because the take a shot after every touchdown fieldgoal didnt really work since only one was acctually accomplished.
so everyone gets up to leave, and i start getting ready to go meet some friends when my mother comes up and says you cant go out.
why?
because apparently my cousin and her boyfriend are staying the night.
what?
now. this would be where the fact that we have a small house..with one spare room...with piles and piles of junk in it. there is a bed in there somewhere...but i wouldnt be able to tell you where. not to mention its the oldest bed of all time and is held up by sketchy boards and my cousins bf was a large boy and im pretty sure the bed would have collapsed.

so there was one alternative. My room.

well there is a bed in my room somewhere too but as i said before...locating it..uhh good luck.
so i had to run downstairs and just start throwing things in corners of my room and spraying air freshener cause my old smelly dog ( love her <3) sleeps with me everynight not to mention i have like 39 loads of dirty laundry and books and cups and dust everywhere because im not really a duster, oh my goodness. its just insane. and i dont even have a door to my room just a curtain because my drunk friend broke it about three years ago. so basically i spent like 30 minutes appologizing for the conditions..and being college students themselves i know they didnt really care but still. i had to do the same damage control in my bathroom also because it was a hot ass mess too.
any way. i live in the basement basically and its just an allergen breeding ground. dampness..dust..two cats and a dog..im immune obviously i dont have allergies really but my cousins boyfriend does apparently which i did not know at the time.

basically they got to sleep around 230 am..and they had to be up at 530 because they were travelling to another game the next morning or something..so i fell asleep at about 330 on the couch and woke up again at six to see them off...her boyfriend couldnt breathe and i felt kinda bad...and then i couldnt get back to sleep because i had to work at ten.

well. im working and..the wind is blowing...and the power goes out at the mall. ( at this time i didnt know how hard or bad the conditions were outside) but at three pm the power goes out. policy is that people have to get out of the store so it was a long process of getting people out of the fitting rooms and putting there stuff on hold.
"when is the power coming back on?"
"we can try clothes on in the dark we dont mind"
"can we just wait here for it to come back on, we dont mind waiting"
"when will it come back on?"

omygosh people are retarded. seriously get the hell out of the store right now and go home. no one is going to take your clothes over night. the registers arent even working please tell me how you are even planning to purchase. Like people were getting mad. I wanted to punch a baby.

any way people finally got out and we closed the store..and when we got outside i was in shock. ive never experienced wind like that! i had to hold on to my manager because we were literally being blown off balance. there were wrecks everywhere and wires down. i called my dad and we still had power at home but by the time i actually made it home the power was out. trees everywhere. My next door neighbors HUGE tree was pulled up by the roots. it was insane and i thought a tornado had blown through. thankfully we only lost one tree and it wasnt big. sirens went off all night and i was exhausted so i fell asleep and woke up at 9 pm and the power was still out and my cell phone wasnt working and almost dead at that. i tried to sleep more but i was just freaked out. im not scared of the dark when i know i can illuminate the darkness whenever i please, but when im involuntarily blacked out i get a little scurrred.
so basically i was able to sleep until about 2am. and then i couldnt calm down enough to sleep.
i had to be at work at eight at the animal hospital, and power was still out there as well. i couldnt see a thing in the kennel and i was just praying a dog didnt get out and make me chase it around in the dark. and worst of all we have a freezer where we keep the animal we put to sleep, and it was completley melted.
there wasnt much to do considering the circumstances so i went home after an hour.
i came home and went back to sleep cause again..not much to do.
i woke up around 2 and the power was back on! so thank god for that! but apparently the house where the tree was uprooted, when the power came back on it started a fire. so that was scary. and i was slightly afraid to turn things on in fear of starting a fire myself. but i was so hungry i had to make ramen noodles.
one half of my street has power, while one still has no power at all. its insane. i was listening to news saying that people in some parts of ohio and kentucky wont have power for at least seven days! I cant even imagine being in houston or galveston and wherever else got the real deal.
people are ridiculous who didnt evacuate. im sorry i dont care what excuse you can think of, they warned people in plenty plenty of time. its not like you didnt know what to expect. Katrina should have shown everyone that. and now so many people are putting their lives at risk to rescue stupid people. its aggravating, even though if i could i would be rescuing people too. But if it were me i would not rely on the kindness of the government and people to save me. not after the fiasco that was Louisianna. Whatever. its all insane. Nature is such an amazing force.

Any way..so we were without power for basically a day. and my dad is convinced since we didnt open the fridge that everything in it is okay.
i on the other hand am not that gullible. I will not drink the milk. but i broke down and ate a tomato mayo sandwich...and now feel like that may have been a questionable thing to do.
ill keep you posted on any stomach irritations lol.

annnnnnd, school is sooo cancelled for today. Im excited however...i didnot go to my first class all last week...and now this will be three of three classes i will have missed....things are looking positive..haha.

im going back to sleep now.
I had a dream that i was dating cris angel from mind freak.
this concerns me because in real life im thinking he is dancing the line of anti christ material...
hmmm..no good no good.