future.

soooo. the last two weeks of my life have been incredibly eye opening. i cant say that in some way i wish my eyes were still closed to some of the things i realize now, but i guess its all for the better. but it has got me thinking about what i want. what i want in my future. because honestly i dont think about the future very often because i hate to get too excited for things. and as morbid as it sounds, ive lost a lot of friends in the past year....and it makes me think about death and the fact that nothing is for sure. so in some twisted way i think that there is a good possibility that i could be the next, so getting excited for a very distant future seems a little futile. but i guess youll have that when you lose people you love and care about.

But as i said before. the last few days i have done nothing but visualize what i want in the next twenty years....as far as people and lifestyle and just everything....

first of all i want to go back south. Texas or memphis. Where i grew up is a steaming pile. The economy is bad, education is bad, its just not going any where. My dad reminds me of this all the time. But that has never mattered to me. My childhood was amazing. i know everyone is typically fond of there childhood, but i am more than fond. Sometimes i even venture to think that the best part of my life is over. life was simple. and it was good. granted i was sheltered from the worst, but most kids are, and even if they arent they wouldnt know things were bad. i would walk and ride my bike a mile around our neighborhood by myself when i was five. and that was okay because everyone knew everyone in that mile loop and everyone looked out for everyone else. of course there were a few mean people but even they did their part.

I live on a street now, which i have lived for six years and i still dont know the names of the people across the street or two doors to the left or right. i guess im as much to blame as anyone else for that. but you dont see kids riding around or selling lemonade on the corner or washing cars for the neighbors. no one plays outside. they sit inside with their playstations and wiis and watch tv.
i loved my school, i loved that i could ride my bike to school all year round cause it never got below 50 degrees except for a freak two or three times. i loved that the barbeque hut on the corner near our school always let us go before and after school for snacks. And i loved getting yelled at for riding my bike on the green at the country club. and i loved playing in the ditch at the back of the neighborhood. Im getting on a tangent i did not want to start but my point is i want to live in the south. a small town...well relatively small....and i want to know the people in my town. I want to do favors for them. I want to go to the grocery store thats not kroger and be able to have a conversation with 90 percent of the people shopping. i want to support the local highschool football team and serve people nachos at the consession stands. maybe i could be a sub on the days i didnt have to work..The kids can call me miss carrie and i will know them well enough that they can come to me with a problem. i wont need a huge house. just one with a nice porch and a lot of trees. i dont know yet if i want a more modern house or one that resembles a cabin...thats just a minor detail in the grand scheme of things. ill most definatley need a fenced in back yard. and i want a hammock. maybe a pool to help keep me in shape and then kids can come over in the summer and swim. if its possible i would like to live near a body of water or nature park of somesort cause i cant live without my walks. Im going to have an extensive reading collection, as well as dvd. especially I love lucy. because i lovvve to watch i love lucy. especially when it rains...weird i know. as well as every beatles and elvis cd one could possily own.

im going to have a lot of animals. i want horses..and a pig and a goose. and of course dogs and cats.

i probably will never accomplish full blown vet school but i would settle for being a vet assistant or working in a zoo. and would also enjoy teaching yoga for all ages. im passionate about animals first and foremost. but im also very passionate about nutrition and wellness, even though im not the most nutritious or well.

i also have a passion for religion and philosophy. Ethical debates are always exciting and you always learn something. so maybe one day ill teach.

and i want to travel. although probably will need to be heavily sedated while crossing the magor bodies of water.

im plagued by time because i have all these things i want to do but not enough time to do it.



anyway...i think the people in my life that i truly count as friends will be there for me forever no matter what. even if i can only count them on one hand. sometimes i have to give up and realize that some friends are only temporary.

looking back...i guess part of me is okay with the fact that i moved to ohio. ive hated it since day one...but i guess it has changed me as a person. Some good and some bad , but it has deffinatley shaped me......but im still more than ready to get out. ..and start being me..on my own.