p.s.

my fine at the library is back up to thirty dollars.
damn.

future.

soooo. the last two weeks of my life have been incredibly eye opening. i cant say that in some way i wish my eyes were still closed to some of the things i realize now, but i guess its all for the better. but it has got me thinking about what i want. what i want in my future. because honestly i dont think about the future very often because i hate to get too excited for things. and as morbid as it sounds, ive lost a lot of friends in the past year....and it makes me think about death and the fact that nothing is for sure. so in some twisted way i think that there is a good possibility that i could be the next, so getting excited for a very distant future seems a little futile. but i guess youll have that when you lose people you love and care about.

But as i said before. the last few days i have done nothing but visualize what i want in the next twenty years....as far as people and lifestyle and just everything....

first of all i want to go back south. Texas or memphis. Where i grew up is a steaming pile. The economy is bad, education is bad, its just not going any where. My dad reminds me of this all the time. But that has never mattered to me. My childhood was amazing. i know everyone is typically fond of there childhood, but i am more than fond. Sometimes i even venture to think that the best part of my life is over. life was simple. and it was good. granted i was sheltered from the worst, but most kids are, and even if they arent they wouldnt know things were bad. i would walk and ride my bike a mile around our neighborhood by myself when i was five. and that was okay because everyone knew everyone in that mile loop and everyone looked out for everyone else. of course there were a few mean people but even they did their part.

I live on a street now, which i have lived for six years and i still dont know the names of the people across the street or two doors to the left or right. i guess im as much to blame as anyone else for that. but you dont see kids riding around or selling lemonade on the corner or washing cars for the neighbors. no one plays outside. they sit inside with their playstations and wiis and watch tv.
i loved my school, i loved that i could ride my bike to school all year round cause it never got below 50 degrees except for a freak two or three times. i loved that the barbeque hut on the corner near our school always let us go before and after school for snacks. And i loved getting yelled at for riding my bike on the green at the country club. and i loved playing in the ditch at the back of the neighborhood. Im getting on a tangent i did not want to start but my point is i want to live in the south. a small town...well relatively small....and i want to know the people in my town. I want to do favors for them. I want to go to the grocery store thats not kroger and be able to have a conversation with 90 percent of the people shopping. i want to support the local highschool football team and serve people nachos at the consession stands. maybe i could be a sub on the days i didnt have to work..The kids can call me miss carrie and i will know them well enough that they can come to me with a problem. i wont need a huge house. just one with a nice porch and a lot of trees. i dont know yet if i want a more modern house or one that resembles a cabin...thats just a minor detail in the grand scheme of things. ill most definatley need a fenced in back yard. and i want a hammock. maybe a pool to help keep me in shape and then kids can come over in the summer and swim. if its possible i would like to live near a body of water or nature park of somesort cause i cant live without my walks. Im going to have an extensive reading collection, as well as dvd. especially I love lucy. because i lovvve to watch i love lucy. especially when it rains...weird i know. as well as every beatles and elvis cd one could possily own.

im going to have a lot of animals. i want horses..and a pig and a goose. and of course dogs and cats.

i probably will never accomplish full blown vet school but i would settle for being a vet assistant or working in a zoo. and would also enjoy teaching yoga for all ages. im passionate about animals first and foremost. but im also very passionate about nutrition and wellness, even though im not the most nutritious or well.

i also have a passion for religion and philosophy. Ethical debates are always exciting and you always learn something. so maybe one day ill teach.

and i want to travel. although probably will need to be heavily sedated while crossing the magor bodies of water.

im plagued by time because i have all these things i want to do but not enough time to do it.



anyway...i think the people in my life that i truly count as friends will be there for me forever no matter what. even if i can only count them on one hand. sometimes i have to give up and realize that some friends are only temporary.

looking back...i guess part of me is okay with the fact that i moved to ohio. ive hated it since day one...but i guess it has changed me as a person. Some good and some bad , but it has deffinatley shaped me......but im still more than ready to get out. ..and start being me..on my own.

im in the fucking twighlight zone i swear to god.

wishful thinking.

i wish with my whole heart that i wasnt such and idiot.

love.

bah. i am writing a new post. simply because it deserves a fresh page.

I love my pets.

people say this often but i dont think its possible to love your animals as much as i do.

My dog brandi is the very best thing in my life. she is old now, and she smells and has very bad gas. But even so nothing makes me smile more than coming home and seeing her trot over to me. my favorite part of most days are the times when i can just find her and lay next to her and just sleep, talk or what ever with her. she is my saving grace, and most days i owe every bit of happiness to her.

my second and very deserving love in my life is my cat stormy. when i stumble in at three and four am, it never fails that while everyone in the house is sleeping, as soon as im home he comes down to the kitchen and waits for me to come pick him up and take him to bed with me. Its funny how he came into my life so accidentally. I often wonder had my garage not been open that night, where he would be now. if some other family would be blessed by him or if heaven would be a little brighter.
He came into m garage one night when i was cleaning out some old boxes. There were huge jne bugs everywhere and not that i dont love all creation, but i mean i would prefer the bugs stay outside the garage. then all of a sudden out of nowhere jumps this skinny cat. Just swallowed the whole bug. and he kept doing this. And i decided that it was okay that he stayed and took care of the bugs for me.
but my dad was less than thrilled, and absolutley ripped me a new ass about giving him food. He threatened to ground me or something if i gave it more. Of course i gave it more.
I didnt see him again for two weeks. and one day i walked into the house and there he was.
"damn thing wouldnt leave"
funny how my dad and that cat are possibly more freakishly linked than we are.

And then there is the little princess. Jitterbug. She thinks she is a dog and eats more food than me. i drunkenly rescued her one day at a pet store. I couldnt resist her. So i brought her home and hid her in my bathroom for three days. Probably the most stressfull three days of my life.
i slept with her in my half bath floor. the cold cold floor. I woke up and took cold showers cause i didnt want to steam up the bathroom and make her hot. i left the radio on non stop in case she mewed when i was at work. This plan worked for all of three days. Finally the stress was too much and i told my mom we needed to go to the store.
I was not even ten feet down the street before i busted out into tears. I told my mother that i needed to tell her something very important. which she then assumed i was pregnant. which made telling her i was kiding a kitten in the bathroom really easy because it was not nearly as bad as being pregnant haha.
before we left the store my dad had found the kitten. and so the story goes that they couldnt resist the little nugget either because she is now one year old and happy.
she is not loving like my other two but she is quite unique. she is a combination of dog cat rattle snake. Her tail i swear to god shakes like a rattle snake when she gets excited. its the wierdest thing ive ever seen. and she loves brandi. if brandi lays down and rolls over, so does she. she mimics the dog to a T. and although she would rather be left alone, just seeing her face every day makes me unexplainebly happy.


so. you might be thinking i need therapy or something for just writing a love story about my animals, but i just think everyone should know. People comment on how nice i am, and how im so different and blah blah blah. I would not be who i am if it werent for the selfless love of my animals. they are forever in always in my corner, and they very well may be the only ones permanently there.

I know not everyone likes animals or desires pets, but im glad im not that person because i would be ugly in every sense of the word.

absurdities.

im ill. and if i could venture a guess on where i caught this nasty bug, i would have to say the bowling alley. when i was there i couldnt help but notice what a festering germ pool it was. but of course i did not care. but i care now.
i hate being sick. and i know i didnt get sick at work because not a day goes by where im not in direct contact with bleach or other corosive disinfectant.
with that being said. as tired as i am, im finding it hard to sleep.

my grandmother is a crazy woman.
some time ago, a wild cat appeared on her deck. my grandmother fed it of course, and low and behold she was pregnant and had little wild babies.
they made a home under the deck and my grandma continued to feed it, but would not let them inside.
Since my grandmother has been a widow since 2001, and both dogs have since died, the whole family encouraged her adopting these kittens. although some people dislike them, cats actually do wonders for the soul and have even proven to assist in the healing of cancer patients. Of course my grandma needs a companion, as stubborn as she is and insistent that she doesnt need one, i think it has been a good five months of prodding to finally get her to adopt these kittens.
I myself have seen them and played with them, and while two of them are now adopted by other people, she kept the cutest two. One being all white almost siamese looking, and the other being a blondie. Beauties.

Any way. My grandma has also made a living off babysitting in her old age, and had a spare play pin laying around. So when she finally decided to bring the two kittens into the house, she put them in a playpen and covered the top with a tablecloth. This is where they stay from six pm until 6am when she wakes up. ( mind you when momma cat accidentally came into the house one day, my grandmother chased her around with a broom in hopes to get it back out...and she wonders why they disappeared for a week).

my grandmother is a crazy crazy woman. You dont coop up cats. let alone wild cats. They of course have claws, and they of course have ripped through the mesh play pin.
but dont worry my grandma knows how to sew. And so she sews the playpen back up everytime. dear gawd.

she also had the one and only huge giant tree cut down out of her back yard because she was tired of picking up sticks and it was apparently dying ( im not so sure it was the dying as much as the stick issue..who picks up sticks anyway..?) so now she has this huge round stump in her back yard.
its fun to sit on i suppose. but i cant even sit on it any more because she took her extra plastic baby pool and nailed it to the lopsided stump and planted flowers in it.

and im the one who grew up in arkansas....


right...

oh betty.



did i mention that she name the siamese looking one chin chin.
because it looks oriental.
im sure she doesnt realize just how borderline racist that is, but because she doesnt realize it, i will laugh and enjoy it.

NO ONE WILL PLAY WITH MEEEEE.